Today we have an important question from an anonymous reader. She writes:
My daughter has had a miscarriage after trying for over a year to conceive her first child. She was 11 weeks and is totally devastated.
Dear Caring Mother,
I am sorry for you and your daughter during this difficult time. A miscarriage is a devastating loss and unfortunately one that is often underestimated.
I am glad your daughter has somebody in her life who will be able to provide support and comforting words.
I know that many women do not and they carry around the hurt for years, not just the hurt from the loss, but also from insensitive remarks.
Just the other day an older friend of mine was telling me with tears in her eyes about a miscarriage she suffered years ago. She said that the things that people said to her were terrible.
She said people didn’t know to do anything to express sympathy for a miscarriage and in an attempt to comfort, they ended up saying hurtful things.
These are the “biggies” that I have vowed to never say.
These comments all have been known to be hurtful to women who have miscarried.
- “It was meant to be.”
- “It was for the best.”
- “Your baby is in a better place now.”
- “Time heals all wounds.”
- “I know exactly how you feel.” (even if you have experienced a similar loss)
- “At least you have other children.” or “you can always have another baby.”
The fear of saying the wrong thing may make you want to keep quiet and that can be okay. Your presence can be tremendously comforting.
Having a comforting presence is a bit of an art form. Some people get it and others perhaps never will.
However, here is a big step in the right direction. It is actually very simple. It’s simply this…try not to give advice.
Almost always when somebody says something insensitive it stems from trying to give advice and this just doesn’t work with grief. You cannot fix grief or cover it up, but you can lighten the load by sharing it.
One of the best ways to comfort other is to learn how to listen empathetically. I believe this is the best thing you can do to be a comforting presence for your daughter.
Now, there is another thing that is also very helpful. I want to tell you about two amazing resources for your exact situation.
The first is an online store called, My Forever Child. You will find an amazing selection of miscarriage remembrance jewelry. My Forever Child was started by a woman who experienced her own loss and sought out a way to find comfort for herself and to honor the memory of her child.
Another wonderful resource is La Belle Dame.
La Belle Dame specializes in gifts for miscarriage and infant loss.
They are also the only place I’ve seen where you can purchase a miscarriage sympathy card.
I wish I would have know about when a close friend of mine miscarried. By the way I didn’t give her a gift or a card and I really wish I would have.
If your daughter lives a long way away from you and you will be sending a card, here are some ideas for what to write in a miscarriage sympathy card.
another resource here at Simple Sympathy is:
Poems for Miscarriage and Infant Loss
You might find that these poems are comforting to your daughter. They can be added to a sympathy card or framed for a quick memorial gift.
I hope this helps you out. Best wishes as you comfort your daughter.